


So I Stayed In The Darkness With You

by ladyarcherfan3



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:49:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyarcherfan3/pseuds/ladyarcherfan3
Summary: After Malachor, Kanan recovers slowly from his physical injuries and struggles with his mental strife. One of the Specters finds a practical and unique way to help.





	So I Stayed In The Darkness With You

The bandages and bacta had to come off eventually. Kanan knew this. It didn’t make it any easier. He had also _known_ , long before the medic confirmed it, that he’d never regain his sight. He’d known as soon as that red ‘saber had hit him. The Force had helped him defeat Maul, and it had also told him he was blind. 

All that knowledge didn’t make it easier to handle.

He’d had bacta soaked bandages on since escaping Malachor in the _Phantom_ , save for the brief moments during exams and to change them out. Other than his loss of sight, the medics had declared that he’d healed well. The scarring was minimal, and there had been no infection to worry about. Pain management had been a small hurdle, though. After those moments of clarity against Maul, Kanan’s connection with the Force had been tenuous. Going into a healing trance was impossible, and releasing his pain into the Force difficult. Finding the balance between the drowsiness of drugs and the bite of pain proved a challenge. But he healed and the physical pain faded.

A knock on his door pulled him out of something between a nap and meditation. “Yes?”

Zeb’s voice replied, “Hera sent me to remind you that you have an appointment with the medic today. She’ll meet you there after her meeting.”

Kanan touched the bandages and bit back a sigh. He knew they had to come off, and he wanted them off. But there was still a part of him that was afraid. With the bandages still on, irrational hope lived in his heart that his eyes could be healed, that the darkness would go away. He wasn’t sure how to go forward, other than to keep moving, even if it would be forever into the dark. He had no other choice. 

“Kanan? You okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m coming.” He got up out of his meditation pose and winced. His knees had never hurt after meditation until after Malachor. He also hadn’t ever tried so hard to meditate and use the Force. His whole body ached. 

“Hera said you’d either be here or out hiding in the dunes,” Zeb continued, his tone far too casual to be anything but a gentle barb. 

Kanan palmed open the door, fingers brushing against the textured pad Sabine had put there to help him find it, along with many others throughout the ship. He scowled up at Zeb. “I don’t hide. I meditate. There aren’t many quiet places to do that, especially with a loud mouthed Lasat hanging around.”

Zeb just chuckled.

On their way out of the _Ghost_ and through the compound, Zeb was a solid, familiar presence at Kanan’s side. He didn’t try to touch Kanan to guide him, but kept a running list of complaints that let Kanan know where they were. 

“I’m gonna have to drag Sabine out of her room pretty soon,” Zeb grumbled as the smell of paint wafted through the air. “All those fumes can’t be good for her.”

“She said she had a project, and you know she doesn't like to be interrupted unless it is an emergency,” Kanan replied. He wasn’t worried about Sabine. “Where is Ezra?”

Zeb snorted. “One of two places: Getting pushy or moping.”

“Pushy how?”

“Eh. He wants to keep going on more and more missions and isn’t always polite about it. He’s butted heads with Hera more than once. But he is getting results, so even she can’t say much.”

Kanan scrubbed a hand over his face. This was the first he was hearing about it; Hera hadn’t mentioned anything. He hadn’t been able to have a proper discussion with Ezra after Malachor. Their brief moments together made the Force all but boil with their combined emotions, and Kanan didn’t know how to handle it, or how to articulate his own struggle in order to move past it and help Ezra. 

Zeb sensed Kanan’s shift in mood. “He’s fine,” he said quickly. “He is a teenager after all. They all go through phases like this.”

“You’re right,” Kanan agreed. He was too tired to push it further. 

Zeb left him at the med center with a few words of encouragement. Kanan sat on the exam table as the medic went through the usual check of vitals and battery of questions.

Yes, he had kept the bandages clean, no he wasn’t in pain, yes sometimes he felt twinges around his eyes, but nothing like when they’d first been healing. 

“Everything with the wound looks good, and the bandages are going to come off today,” the medic said; Kanan could hear her tapping on a data pad screen as she looked over all the readouts. “But I am still a bit concerned about these other results. And just looking at you, you still look exhausted.”

“Talia, I promise I’m resting and meditating,” Kanan replied, even as guilt twisted his gut. He at least looked like he was resting; his activities had been reduced to sitting still and gentle walks around the base. What he didn’t say was that constantly reaching for balance in the Force wasn’t getting any easier. Even basic things - sensing his surroundings, shielding his mind - took more energy than they ever had in the past. 

Talia hummed and said, “Don’t try so hard, maybe. But if you are still in pain, I need to know.”

“I'm fine.”

A quick knock on the exam room door preceded Hera. Kanan relaxed. He couldn’t help it. Hera had been his rock through this, even as he struggled to not become a burden for her. 

“Hello, Talia,” she greeted the medic as she stepped inside.

“Commander. We’re just about to remove the bandages. It shouldn't be too exciting.”

“I’ll stay out of your way.” She stood next to Kanan and took his hand. “How are you?”

“Fine. How did the meeting go?” He focused on the soft grip of her hands as Talia started to remove the bandages.

Hera sighed. “It went about how it usually goes. But it wasn't bad.”

The bandages fell away, and Talia gently removed the gauze pads that had been over his eyes. 

“I am just going to wipe away the last of the bacta off your lids and around your eyes, and then you should be able to open them,” Talia said. 

A few moments later, Kanan fluttered his eyes open. He was still in the dark. He huffed a half a laugh. “I don’t know what I expected.”

Talia continued the exam, and Hera kept a firm hold on his hand; he brushed his thumb over her knuckles and felt some of the tension in her fingers ease. Air disturbed by Talia’s movements brushed against new skin around his eyes. He flinched and shivered. 

“Kanan? What hurts?” Hera squeezed his hand.

“Nothing. It’s just…” he hissed as his eyelids smarted. “Tender.”

“Sensitivity is not uncommon,” Talia agreed. “I would suggest staying indoors, or on your ship for the rest of the day. Give the new skin and yourself a chance to adjust and avoid the dust outside. And maybe try to sleep.”

“No promises,” Kanan muttered, but slid off the exam table. Hera let him have his hand back before he did, and he missed it. “Thank you for all your help, Talia. You have the patience of the best Jedi healer in dealing with me.” 

She snorted but said, “Your welcome. And if anything changes - if your pain levels or sensitivity go up- let me know sooner than later, yeah?”

“Will do.”

Hera set her hand on his arm. “Come on. I can walk you back to the _Ghost_ before I have to go meet with the pilots.” 

Kanana couldn’t stop the small but constant shivers that took over his muscles as they made their way to the ship. The wind was up and throwing the fine dust with an awful accuracy at his face, tiny flares of pain smaller than pinpricks. He lifted his arm and pushed his face into the crook of his elbow to protect it; he felt Hera shift so she made a wind block with her body. The pain and indignity of the situation made him fight harder to hold his mental shields in place, but they slipped away. Hera’s sorrow and pity and weariness rang bright in his mind as if they were his own. 

Hera lingered by the door as he settled into his bunk. “You’ll be fine,” she said, somehow both a statement and a question. “Rest up.”

“I’m fine, I will be fine,” he said with more conviction than he felt. “Go to your meeting. The rebellion needs you to focus on them right now. There isn’t anything you can do for me.”

“Doesn’t mean I won’t try,” she said. 

He could imagine her soft smile, determined brows.

“I know. But I’ll meditate, and that should do as much good as anything else right now.”

“Just comm if you need anything. I think Sabine is still onboard.”

He shooed her away, stretched out on his bunk, focused his breathing, and looked for the Force. It wasn’t the traditional meditation pose, but it wasn’t like he’d had luck with that. And if he fell asleep, at least he was already in his bed. The new skin around his eyes twitched and ached as his sightless eyes roved under closed lids, instinct still trying to see something, anything. A true connection between himself and the Force was just out of reach, and he dove deeper, grasping at wavering threads that fell apart at his touch, or slipped right through him. 

A quiet knock on his door pulled him out of the tempeteous meditation. “Yes?”

“Kanan? Can I come in?” 

“Of course, Sabine.” He sat up, took a deep breath to settle his emotions and caught the edge of Sabine’s through the Force. She was nervous and excited and satisfied. He got the sense that she had finished her project.

“I have something for you,” she said as she entered. 

“Yeah? Some more fun and safe explosives to lob at Ezra during training? We haven’t done that in a while.” The levity almost worked. But he felt her tense up and struggle for the right words. There hadn’t been any sort of training since Malachor. 

“No, nothing that entertaining,” she replied after a moment. She crossed the room and pressed something into his hands. “I hope it is useful more than anything else.”

He ran his fingertips along the smooth, gentle arc of it. Weight and texture made him think beskar, though he could think of no particular piece of armor with that particular shape and dimensions. There was soft padding on the concave side, and he could feel etching on the other, though he couldn’t identify the pattern.

“So… how colorful is it?” he asked. 

“Not at all - you’d be proud of my restraint. It’s the same color as your pauldron. Though, Zeb and Ezra also had a part of the creative design. Zeb was the one who said you’d look stupid with all my favorite colors - not sure who that was insulting more, there. And Ezra let me look at the mask you brought back from Malachor. I took some inspiration from that.” Her hands, gentle and firm, guided the armor around to the correct orientation. “It’s a face shield.” 

Kanan took a careful breath as gratitude and surprise overwhelmed him. If Sabine noticed, she didn’t react.

“I based it on the blast shields on a fighter pilot helmets. It fits tighter, but the padding should help keep it comfortable.” Her voice grew softer. “New skin after a burn can be really tender, with or without scarring. I figured the shield would help protect everything from all the dust around here.”

Unsure of what to say next, he let his fingers drift over the face of the shield. The pattern eluded him as he touched it. “What’s etched here?”

“Well, when I had opted to nix most of the colors, I realized I had to do something that fit you, and wasn’t too much, but was still strong. It’s ...eyes. _Jaig_ eyes. Rex agreed with me that you deserved them. No other warrior we know deserves it more.” Her voice was muffled as if she had dropped her head. “Is that all right?”

“It’s perfect,” he said, his own words soft and strained. For the first time since he’d arrived back at the base, he found a sense of balance and his mind was clear. Sabine, whose drive and creativity tended to be explosive and colorful, had anticipated his needs and crafted a very simple but profound solution. And then she had poured more of her love and passion out and given him a mark of high respect from her people. He was so proud of her and utterly touched at her thoughtfulness. She was still one of the kids, but she had grown up so much. 

Sabine’s pride and mild embarrassment flared through the Force as a tiny nebula of colors. 

“Let me try it on.” He lifted the shield and slipped it over his face. It rested across his cheekbones at an uncomfortable angle, and he scrunched his nose. 

“Here, you have it just a little off center. Lemme…” Sabine took his hands and helped him resettle the shield.

Once on correctly, he barely felt the weight or pressure of it. The lining was soft, the balance and fit perfect. He had no idea how she managed it, but he knew better than to doubt the intersection of Sabine’s skill with beskar and her artistic eye. He cocked his head and summoned a silly grin. 

“How do I look?”

Sabine chuckled. “Very mysterious.”

“Works for me.” He slipped it off and tilted his face towards her. “Thank you, Sabine. It means a lot to me that you did this. You should be proud of yourself and your work.” He lifted his hand towards her, and she took it while stepping in close, turning it into a hug. 

“I’m sorry this happened to you,” she muttered into his shoulder. “I just wanted to help.”

He felt her shift and let her step back out of the hug. “You have been. If I didn’t have you, Hera, Zeb, and Ezra in my life, this,” he waved at his eyes, “would be truly debilitating.”

“But you have the Force.”

“The Force is nothing without connection. And that is what I have with all of you.”

There was a long moment where he heard her shift from foot to foot and sniffle. “And Chopper has stopped trying to push you around to ‘help’, so that’s good.” 

“It is,” he chuckled. “Wanna go for a walk? I should give this a test run. And I should get moving more.” He stood with a groan that was not quite exaggerated. “Getting old and creaky.”

Sabine laughed. “All right then, old man, let’s go.” 

*

Later that night, Hera sat in his bunk and inspected the shield as Kanan finished his routine before bed. “She did a fantastic job on this.”

“What did you expect? It’s Sabine. She never goes by halves on her projects.” He crossed the room and let Hera’s presence guide him to her side; he would have known where she was even without the Force. She took his hand when he got close and helped him onto the bed next to her. 

She set aside the shield and turned to him, pressed against his side. Her fingers traced over his face, brushing over his growing beard, thumbs gentle across his cheekbones. 

“I am glad she made it for you, if it helps you feel as strong as I know you are.” Her fingers continued upward and ran over his eyebrows. “Is it selfish to say that I’ll miss seeing your eyebrows when you make faces at me if you’re behind a mask?”

“I’ll never truly wear a mask around you, Hera,” he said, voice low and a little rough. “I haven’t for a long time.”

She sighed and curled closer to him, arms encircling his torso as he pulled her close. “I know, love. I know.” She put her head on his chest.

“Sabine has grown up so much,” Kanan said after a moment, trying to distract his thoughts from rush of emotions towards Hera; she was in his arms, warm and strong, but he would never _see_ her again. “I mean, she’s always had such a drive and focus, but I think she picked up a lot of compassion and empathy for others from you.”

Hera’s chuckle was a little wet. “I was going to say the same thing about you and her.”

“I guess we’ve done something right for the kids, at any rate.” He pulled her closer still. 

For the moment, he didn’t focus on his fears and anxieties, or the pain of his loss. They wouldn’t go away, but when he needed to face them again, he knew he would have his family there to support him. His instincts had always been to be a protector, even if he had forgotten it for awhile, but the mismatched family aboard the Ghost had taught him that again. He had also learned how to be protected. 

Kanan closed his sightless eyes, took and deep breath, and relaxed into Hera’s embrace.

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to @glorious_clio for her beta work while being insanely busy and stressed in her life. She got me to look at this after the draft I sent her and find a way to make it stronger. Any and all mistakes that remain are my fault. 
> 
> Title is from Florence + The Machine's Cosmic Love.
> 
> Edit: I recently learned about jaig eyes, and added a few lines to reflect that. Of course both Sabine and Rex would agree that Kanan deserved that honor.


End file.
